One More Angel in Heaven...

I have waited a while to post, so that I could be certain I had all of my information, and a little healing time too.  

On May 27, 2016, Papa Bear and I drove down to Phoenix for a Nuchal Translucency Scan (genetic testing on the baby, since I am of "advanced maternal age").  Our kids were with their godparents, and we drove across town to the office.  The ultrasound tech came out to get us & took us back to the room.  She started with a standard scan - she asked a few questions that concerned me - mainly "you are 13 weeks, right??"

After she took some basic measurements, she said she wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound to get a better look.  As I left the room, for a moment, I glanced a piece of information on the screen that clued me in to her concern.  The baby was only measuring 11 weeks, 1 day.  The tech started the 2nd scan, and I noticed the baby wasn't moving at all, and when she ran the radar scan, there was no "heat sense" on the screen - no heartbeat.  She also put the heart monitor on the screen & it was flat...  After that, she quickly turned off the screen, put her hand on my arm, and said, "Mama Bear, I'm so sorry, I can't find a heartbeat today."  

She left the room & I felt the world rock.  I got dressed again, and sat next to Papa Bear.  It wasn't until I sent a text to my mom & the kids' godmother, that we both started to cry.  A few minutes later, another doctor came in, offered his condolences, said he had talked to our OB, and if any signs of labor were to start, we were to head straight to the Emergency Room.  He led us out the back door, "so we wouldn't have to see the other moms," but I'm sure so the other moms wouldn't have to see us.  

Before we got to the car, I let my mom know that she could notify the rest of my family.  Papa Bear called his mom, to relay the news.  He also let her know that she could notify the rest of his family.  There were lots of tears, and thoughts flying through our heads.  We had planned a great vacation weekend, for the kids, so we decided to just go forward with those plans.  

When we arrived back to the kids' godparents house, they were in the backyard, feeding the chickens.  We went back & hugged my sister-in-law and brother-in-law.  Then, we called Little Miss Muffet aside, and told her that, "God needed to call the baby home again."  I don't know that she really understood, but she got a little sad, and set about building a "fairy garden" for the baby.  We didn't even tell Little Jack Horner, as he is so young, telling him would only be confusing.  

We stayed with my in-laws for the next 2 days, and were preparing to head home on Saturday  night, when I noticed some cramping & spotting.  Never having actually gone into labor on my own, I believed this to be the visit to the Emergency Room that the genetic specialist had referenced, so we left the kids with their godparents, and headed to the nearest hospital.  In hindsight, we should have just driven the 90 minutes home, and skipped the awful experience that the next 5 hours would be, at Banner Thunderbird in Phoenix.  Instead, we spent 5 hours being laughed at, and treated as though we were a total inconvenience and left with really nothing being done at all.  

The next day finally took us home.  Being that it was a holiday weekend, Papa Bear needed to work Monday, but I couldn't get to my OB until Tuesday.  Papa Bear did take some time off on Tuesday, and my mom came to watch the kids.  We got to the office & were ushered back to the exam room.  When my doctor walked in, you could actually see the emotion on his face.  The very first words he spoke were, "I am sincerely sorry that this has happened to you."  He proceeded to tell us that this event was not even on his radar for us.  He said that he actually had to remind himself to breathe, when he got that phone call.  

The rest of the exam was basically him asking what I wanted to do next.  I just couldn't wrap my mind around carrying a dead child, so I wanted it gone, so we decided to schedule a suction D&C for Thursday.  Wednesday, my doc would place laminaria (seaweed) strips to help open things up, and make the surgery easier.  We got everything scheduled & headed home to our kids.  We made arrangements with my parents to take the kids from Wednesday night to Saturday, so they wouldn't have to go through the rough process too.  

Wednesday morning, I noticed I was cramping a lot.  Enough that I adjusted our plans to mostly be home.  About an hour before my laminaria appointment, my parents came for a bit.  Mom said I should start timing contractions -- they were 3 minutes apart for a minute each.  I went to my laminaria appointment, and told the doctor about the contracting, and he said it would actually help things for the surgery.  He placed the laminaria, and noted that my cervix was still very much closed.  He gave me a prescription for pain meds, to survive the night.  

I headed home to pick Little Miss Muffet up, to get her to her dance studio, for recital portraits.  The contractions started getting really severe while we were there, and I probably shouldn't have driven home.  By the time I got us home, at 4:30, I was in tears.  Papa Bear had filled my prescription, and handed me the tablets.  I took them & promptly threw them back up...  He was getting the kids ready for swim lessons, which I insisted would still happen.  I was so uncomfortable though, that I couldn't stand to do anything but pace the hallway. 

It was only a few minutes before he left with the kids, as I was walking down the hallway, that I started bleeding and the pain intensified.  My mom called the OB office & they said if I couldn't handle the pain, to go to the Emergency Room.  I couldn't handle it, so my mom drove me to the hospital.  It was already so painful that I could barely let them get my stats, before wheeling me back.  We arrived at around 5:30 pm.  They gave me an IV & morphine, which didn't really help.  Everyone kept telling me to breathe...  It hurt to breathe!  

About 7:00 pm, Papa Bear showed up to the hospital.  He sat next to my mom & tried to be helpful.  He told me that he had cleaned up the hallway and bathroom, so that we wouldn't go home to the mess.  Not long after Papa Bear arrived, they wheeled me away for an ultrasound.  It was torture to endure that ultrasound, especially when they had to do part of it internally.  I was maybe away for another 30 minutes, before getting back to my mom & husband.  

I know the pain was worse, because it seemed like forever before anyone came back in.  When they did, the doctor advised me that the baby was in the cervix & all we could do was wait, now.  Th nurse came back in to give me some more pain meds, dilauded.  That always makes me sleepy!  It took about 10 minutes for the meds to start to help, and right about then, I felt all of the pain stop.  Completely stop.  Then I felt the "delivery."  I told my mom, who checked me & said that it appeared to be finished, so we called the nurses.  They confirmed the miscarriage was over & called for the doctor. Neither Papa Bear nor I could bring ourselves to look at the delivery.  The nurses sent it off to the lab.  The delivery actually occurs at around 8:05 pm.

My mom left, at that point, to get the kids off to their house before I got home.  The nurses proceeded to discharge me.   Papa Bear knew I hadn't eaten, so he drove me to get some dinner, then home.  The house felt very empty & sad without the kids.  

On Thursday morning, my OB called me, because I had left a message about the miscarriage, and I was supposed to be having the D&C surgery that afternoon.  He was very surprised that I had actually delivered naturally.  He offered his sincere apologies, asked a few questions to confirm that I no longer needed the surgery, said that he is praying for our family & to keep him informed if I needed anything.   I spent a couple of days at home on the couch, trying to remember how to breathe.  My parents even brought the kids home a couple of days after, to have lunch, and my nerves went nuts having them home.  It's going to be a readjustment.  They came home to stay the next day.

*** Fast-Forward about a month *** I have finished all of my follow-up appointments, and gotten a clean bill of health.  Not only that, but the pathology report for the baby came back.  Their was truly nothing I could have done or not done to have caused, nor prevented the miscarriage.  My NP called it an "umbilical cord accident," having been caused by a shortened & twisted umbilical cord.  So much so, that the cord was less than a mm in width in many places.  Aside from that, the baby looked perfect.  The gender couldn't be determined, it hadn't been far enough developed.  

Both my OB & NP have asked if we plan to try again.  I just don't know yet.  We ar all on the same page that while my body is ok & could go forward, mentally, I'm not there.  I don't know if I will be there.  There are definitely moments when I feel I could want anther baby, but also moments that I really don't.  Time will heal.  Time will tell.